Happy New Year! Hooray!
Ah, to be pressured into working Holiday Shifts!
Ah, to divert the attention of the customers AWAY from the wall where the cockroach was crawling at a leisurely pace.
Ah, to try serving without being groped!
I was a sucky waitress, not because I was slow or forgetful or neglectful. But because I was, and still am, very, very, very, extremely, incredibly, bad at hiding my true feelings. Simply a very bad liar.
I really wish I was a better liar since I have no scruples about lying. I think it is a good way of dealing with potentially harmful situations. Of course, there has to be a certain amount of morals involved.
- You cannot lie about things that WILL or COULD make trouble for those you care for. Example: "No, honey, I did not empty the bank account and place all our money in various Terrorist Organisation Funds."
- You cannot blame someone innocent in order to get off the hook. Example: "I didn't polish off the Johnny Walker bottle, Auntie Sheila did, even though she has been in the AA for years. Quite frankly, I am concerned."
- You can, however, blame someone who already is of questionable repute, alternatively to frame someone who has wronged you. Example: "I certainly did not pelt your window with snow balls, The Minister of Foreign Affairs/President/Cable TV company did it!"
- If you are a good liar, you should use you skill to combat evil. Example: "Nope, sorry, you have the wrong prison. There are no adulterers to be stoned here. You must be thinking of the one that is miles and miles and miles away."
- Lying in order to protect someone's feelings is pretty much ok all the time. Example: "Oh, no, no, the dinner wasn't disgusting! I'm just allergic to burnt pasta, is all."
- Lying in order to protect someone's feelings when this may in fact hurt them is not ok. Example: "Oh having that Eating Disorder makes you look stylishly gaunt. I hear the hollow eyed hair loss look is making a come back."
I read somewhere that when children start to lie, it means that they have reached a certain level of social maturity. They are capable of distinguishing that people have expectations of them and that certain outcomes are better than others. But what if one reaches that level and just never learns how to lie properly? Does it mean that there is a flaw in my social skills?
Only now, in my thirties, have I started to catch my 'gives', the physical signs I give off when I lie. No, I'm not gonna tell you. But I wish I had known earlier. It would have saved me a lot of trouble as a waitress. For example, I could have concocted some really great stuff in order to get out of working Holiday Shifts, such as New Years Eve.
But there is no use in looking at what could have been. Instead, in the spirit of New Year's Eve and New Times ahead; from the coziness of my couch, an Honestly Happy New Year to You!
posted by disinterpreter at 5:13 PM
3 Comments:
Happy New Year, Elin!
I too worked the briefest of spells as a waitress - one evening to be precise in a Scottish palace where the kings and queens were crowned before the English stole the Stone of Destiny from beneath the throne. It was a summer job prior to starting my academic career as an undergraduate in the kitchens. I learned how to unload steaming plates from an industrial dishwasher and operate a till as well as carrying out sundry duties such as making dozens of sandwiches for the café and clearing tables after coachloads of tourists had descended like hungry locusts and departed again. My then boyfriend toiled alongside me, as we had applied together. Every morning we would be picked up in a minibus from the centre of town. He was allocated the unpleasant tasks, such as plucking pheasants and skinning rabbits (I was a vegetarian at the time and the stench turned my stomach) Our immediate boss was a retired Colonel who had never really readjusted to civilian existence - with his immaculate pinstriped suit he toasted us with sherry at the end of our first day, which happened to be the busiest of the entire season. One evening we were asked to do overtime, as a group of Americans had hired the main banqueting hall for dinner (extortionately expensive). We were not trained to wait on tables (a true skill to be acquired) and neither my ginger-haired umpteenth generation Marxist lover nor myself had any true deference - especially not to capitalists. To add to the indignity, we had to dress up for the occasion. I was given the responsibility of carrying in a huge silver platter with two dozen whole guinea fowl and a set of serving utensils, whilst CC (the boyfriend) had a similar salver with roast potatoes. I had not been instructed as to how to hold the platter (although I did remember which side of the guest I was expected to stand on) with the result that the poor clients were forced to reach over or under my obstructing arms to get at their meal. All very awkward and embarrassing. The highlight was when CC pushed through the heavy wooden doors, hesitating a little too long before heading for the table - the doors swung back, sending him flying and the potatoes and gravy all over the polished floor. At the collective gasp from the mortified assembly (the Colonel's face slowly turning an interesting shade of purple with pent-up fury), he bowed slightly and made his way back for another portion whilst I assisted in clearing up the mess. Having retreated into the corridor I could suppress my hilarity no longer. The Colonel's mood did not improve when the guests demonstrated their egalitarian credentials by engaging in conversation with us. CC, no respecter of rank or privilege, chatted happily about how he was about to start studying architecture. In the end, however, we did not receive too severe a reprimand from the Colonel, as the party left a very generous tip. :)
Ah yes. THe Americans are remarkably chatty with waitstaff. Of course, for a sullen Nordic Ice Princess as my self, the chattiness was sometimes the hardest part to spit up. And sometimes it did lead to missed tips & frustration, as I thought I had provided efficient and accurate service, but the customer felt I was being cold and elitist...ah well, what's a girl to do? ;)
The key to successful lying is not in telling untruths, but in the omission of certain truths. For example, man tells his wife "I went to a bar with some friends" as opposed to "I went to a strip bar with some friends". The other key is to fake sincerity, which of course is more difficult. The bottom line is to pretend like you're in court. Make the person pull all the facts out instead of volunteering them. If the answer is non-challant enough, you won't get questioned further.
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